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In Retrospect

 I finally finished my summer class and got out uber early, 9am instead of 12pm.  So that left me with a lot of free time, which is seldem a good thing when it comes to me.  With my spare time I decided to reread my own LJ and woah...It made me hate myself a little.  Not in the emo!angst ohnozz my life is so awful *tear* type way.  But rather in a disgusted holy crap I cannot believe I've been carring on and whining and being that pathetic.  And if I came across in real life even as half as pathetic and weak as I did to myself while rereading...damn how did any of you stand me?

End result = major self over haul this summer.


I am well aware that I have a lot of problems expressing my inner most emotions and that I mostly use this journal as a place to vent the turbulence that goes on inside me but damn, enough is enough.  Nothing will ever change if I don't make it and I will never be happy unless I stop complaining and crying over every little thing.  Where you are will never change unless you actively decide not to be there anymore.

I can't promise myself that suddenly everything will be perfect and that I'll never feel pain or loss.  But the way that I deal with these things, that is now changed.  To mark this change in me I will be changing to a new LJ gunning_blind.  This is now a closed chapter in my life. 

Pimping This Everywhere

I've decided to pimp this everywhere so I can to reach the most people.

I recently received a an e-mail from my brother, Ryan, who the army has stationed in Afghanistan. He asked for help in showing the soldiers our support and so I decided to create this group. Please note that this group has abosuletly no stance on the war itself and therefore not a place for agruing over it. It's purely to show support for the brave men and women who fight so we don't have to.

Here is his e-mail:
We are having a contest here at FB Herrera. The contest is to see who can drum up the most support for our soldiers. And if you are a deployed young male soldier (which most of them are here) then who do you think they want to see support from. That's right, ladies. So here's the deal. Send pictures (actual, nothing from the interent, that's cheating) of ladies showing support. My idea is a sign that says, "We love LT Baker and 1-61 CAV" (Gotta make sure the entry is attributed to the correct person) But I'm open to creative ideas that still show the pic was taken for purposes of the contest. Now this email is sent to more then just girls because the intent is to recruit people, not just snap photos of yourself (although if you fit the criteria it'll count). So go all out, use whatever means necessary like charm (only applies to some), wit (same disclaimer) or alcohol. And remember, your country is counting on you.

PS, With the weather warming, the beach and 'beach attire' will probably count for extra.

So join the group, grab your camera and spread the word. You can upload the pictures directly to this group or e-mail them to me so I can get them sent out. I will also be at parties with a camera so feel free to get in my face and pose. Thanks for the support! 

Here is link the group if anyone would like to show their support: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=12938531539

Song Meme


Because I'm bored and I can....

Cookies for anyone who can get five or more right.

Step 1: Put your iTunes or equivalent on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Bold out the songs when someone guesses the name/group correctly.
Step 4: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!!!

  1. Does he love me, I wanna know
  2. Escape into the eerie night, in the dark I'm out of sight
  3. Summer has come and past, the innocent can never last
  4. Take another hundred names and put them on a list
  5. I hear a voice say don't be so blind
  6. I just don't care anymore, I've reached of the line
  7. Save some face, you know you've only got one
  8. You might be just what I need
  9. You came to me in seemless sleep and slipped right in
  10. Is it still me who makes you sweat
  11. It's been a while since I've seen your face
  12. You were one step behind in that dismal school of mine
  13. When the news is all bad, when you're sour and blue
  14. I can wash out fourty-four pairs of socks and have them hanging on the line
  15. Oh baby here comes the sound, took a train out of New Orleans
  16. This is me, far forever, one of the lost ones
  17. Oh my god this hurts like hell
  18. Whatever posion's in this bottle will leave me broken, sore, and stiff
  19. Please don't mind what I'm trying to say
  20. If you're leaving, leave the cigarettes, you've already got the lighter and the keys
  21. Why can you read me like no one else
  22. Words are floating off like endless rain into a paper cup
  23. There's such a sad love deep in your eyes
  24. Josie's on a vacation far away, come around and talk it over
  25. Make a big scene, make this glass house my coffin


We all want things in live.  A lot of them are selfish and a lot of them are just the basics that everyone wants.  To be happy, to be healthy, to accomplish our dreams. 

Today my wants have changed.  I don't care about being a writer, or having a horse, or living in a restored manner or any of that.  All I want is for my cousin to wake up and be okay.  

Late last night she was driving and got into an accident.  She has bleeding in her brain and spinal damage and is currently in a coma.  I don't if she'll wake up but I trade all my dreams for her.  She only just turned 18, she's a senior in high school.  Sure she's quirky and sometimes tries too hard and ends up doing or saying the wrong things.  But she's a good person who wants to be liked by others.  She wants to go to beauty school and be a professional stylist for the movie stars one day.  

I would glady turn in my own dreams to give her a chance to do all that.  I just want her to wake up and be okay.  I'll try to never ask for anything else if someone just gives me that. 

Oh Boy Indeed

Note to self:  Allison says "I told you so" when this ends badly.

Things with me and Walter, or Roger which is what Chris insists on calling him, started nicely.  Well, at least I'm amused how the second time I ever met him he proceeded to tell him just how much he wanted me.  I know it's incrediably girly and cliche, but I have body issues.  It's nothing extreme, I just don't think I'm attractive...at all.  So to have the bad ass hottie with a mohawk compliment me...it was nice.

Skip past all the flirting, kissing and interesting marks.  (haha I can't believe I attacked him like that)

We start to get more serious and it makes me a happy me.

Skip the drama cause we got over it.

I feel bad for skipping two days of school if only because of Walter.  He keeps sending me the sweetest texts.  Telling me I'm all he's ever wanted, how he can't stop thinking about me.  It makes me smile this really doofy looking smile o'happiness.

I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean a word of it.  But I don't care.  Because sometimes playing make-believe is really all you've got.  Plus, I really do like him.  A lot.  Is this stupid of me?  To want to enjoy a little affection from someone?

That aside, I asked if I'd get to see him this break and he'd said he'd make it happen if I really wanted to see him.  I do.  If he can't find a way to me I'll find a way to Orange County, it's not too far from here...only two or three hours.  He's always on my mind and honestly, I find that I don't mind at all.  *enjoying stupid girliness*

In other news, Biatces I'm home!  Not that you all didn't know that already.  I went to go see the stepdrama on Saturday and it was awesome.  Chris was a sweetie and bought my ticket.  I sit down in my seat and notice projecters as part of the backgroun, I leave and it gets all pretty and technical, figures lol.  But seriously, the cast did a great job, so congrats to you kiddies.  Hahaha I can say that because I'm a big "mature" college student now.

Tonight I'm going to the lovely Miss Mary's pre pep rally bash and I'm mucho excited.  Not only will I get to sleep at the casa de Engler, which is much love on it's own, I get to see Jenna.  *cheers*  I'm miss that closeted lezzie.  (joking...maybe)

Okay, time for me to stop chittering on like a happy squirrel and go eat the first meal of the day.  Foooooooood!

Stalker...Stalk Her?

How well do you know me?  You get point for being right, or just making me laugh.  Once you've replied to me, go post in in journal.  Comments will be screened so don't hold back.

(2 Points) My name:
(1 Point) My last name:
(5 Points) Take a stab at my middle name:
(3 Points) Who am I in love with:
(2 Points) Where did we meet:
(2 Points) What kind of car do I drive:
(2 Points) where do I work:
(3 Points) what am I afraid of:
(2 Points) Do I smoke:
(3 Points) Do I drink:
(2 Points) Do I have any siblings:
(2 Points) How many:
(1 Point) Do I like 'em:
(4 Points) What's one of my favorite things to do:
(2 Points) How many piercings do I have:
(3 Points) What's my favorite type of music:
(4 Points) Am I shy or outgoing:
(3 Points) Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
(2 Points) what’s my favorite color:
(3 Points) name something I hate:
(4 Points) name a talent I have:
(4 Points) what kind of shoes do I wear:
(4 Points) do I have any pets:
(2 Points) Who am I dating right now, if I am:
(5 Points) how long have I been dating them, if I am:
(5 Points) what is the color of my room:
(5 Points) what is my worst habit:
(5 Points on creativeness) If I were stranded on a desert island, what would I bring:


Just a heads up in case anyone cares:  I am unoffically doing NaNoWriMo.  This means that during the month of November I will attempt to write an entire novel.  I will be posting stuff in my writing account, eri_p_mav, so feel free to remind me about it and bug me and, if you're really feeling generous, help kick my creative ass.  My goal is to bang out at least 1,000 words a day. 

1 for sorrow
2 for joy
3 for a girl
4 for a boy
5 for silver
6 for gold
7 for a secret that has never been told

How many crows have you seen today?

Last Straw

I heard that you went out last night
And you looked beautiful just like a bat
Beneath the moonlight
I stayed home
took a Vicodin...
Sometimes it's all that I can do
When I think about the president
How did he become the president?
And I stayed awake for a day or two
I thought about the world
Drank gin and watched the news
And there are some things I'll never understand
Why the country needs a God
And a woman needs a man

And you never write me letters
And you never sent my sweaters
So I could stay warm when I was without you
Without you I don't sleep
Just dream...

And I scratch these words into a black notebook
I wrote your name on top I knew you'd never look

I tried my best to fight the atmosphere
To think the happy thoughts
That leave the phone lines clear
I see Arizona stars from here
But Peter Pan is miles away

And you never write me letters
And you never sent my sweaters
So I could stay warm when I was without you
Without you I don't have...
A place that's safe from all the monsters
That hide in my head and sing me to sleep (sleep)
This is the last straw...

This is the last straw she said
And I won't wait for you forever
While you run around like JFK
You watched that poor girl
Waste the best years of her life
And I'll be damned if I am going out
I will not go out that way!

And you never write me letters
And you never sent my sweaters
So you could stay warm when I was gone
Without you I don't have...
A place that's safe from all the monsters
That hide in my head and keep me 'til dawn
And I think this is the last straw.

I'm So Lonely For You...

I'm Ready

And today was a day just like any other

I'm on the verge, I'm on the verge
Unraveling with every word
With every word you say, make me believe
That I won't feel your tires on the street
As I'm finding the words... you're getting away

I come undone, oh yes, I do
Just think of all the thoughts wasted on you
And every word you say, say something sweet
Cause all I taste is blood between my teeth
As I'm finding the words... you're getting away

Well I'm ready, I'm ready to drop
Oh, I'm ready, I'm ready so don't stop
I'm ready so don't stop, Keep pushing
I'm ready to fall, oh, I'm ready
I'm ready so don't call, I'm ready so don't call

I am aware, I've been misled
I disconnect my heart, my head
Don't wanna recognize when things go bad
The things that you'll accept
Except that I am finding the words... to say

I'm ready, I'm ready to drop
Oh oh oh oh oh, I'm ready
I'm ready so don't stop
I'm ready so don't stop

I wake up to find it's another
Four aspirin morning, and I dive in
I put on the same clothes I wore yesterday.
When did society decide that we had to change
And wash a tee shirt after every individual use:
If it's not dirty, I'm gonna wear it.
I take the stairs to the car
And there's fog on the windows.
And I'm Fighting the words...
I need caffeine in my blood stream,
I take caffeine in the blood stream.
I grip the wheel and all at once I realize:
And you're getting away...
My life has become a boring pop song
And everyone's singing along.

Well, I'm ready, to drop, well, I'm ready
I'm ready so don't stop, oh
Well, keep pushing, I'm ready to fall
Well, I'm ready, I'm ready so don't call
I'm ready so don't call, oh... oh... oh...


no hurt
Whispered Nothing

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June 2008
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